So Help Me, America!
by Fudgefeather
Summary: England's finally driven over the edge, and he decides to make a list of things America is just not allowed to do anymore... Contains hints of various pairings, and some USUK
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Okay, I just had to make one of these. They're so fun, and Thinking up all this stuff made me laugh. So enjoy, and remember, I don't own Hetalia or any of the references England makes in here.**

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><p>It was the middle of a meeting when England did it. "AMERICA! YOU HAVE DONE IT! YOU'VE DRIVEN ME TO NEAR INSANITY!"<p>

He calmed himself down a little before carrying on. "So, to prevent you from driving me there, I made up a list of things you are ABSOLUTELY NOT ALLOWED to do."

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><p>1. Stop calling yourself "The Hero" and pretending to be Superman. We all know you're not.<p>

2. Singing "They're taking the Baltics to Isengard" whenever Germany asks if they're anything else to be said in the meeting embarrasses the Baltics. Besides, the song gets annoying after a while.

3. How you ever managed to get Russia to sing along will never cease to amaze me.

4. Don't try taking on Japan and Sealand in a Pokemon battle. Trust me, you will only end up losing.

5. Canada does not appreciate you sticking an American flag sticker on his forehead. He's already mad enough that we mistake him for you.

6. Prussia does not need to battle with James Potter for awesomeness. Do not tell him that.

7. …And then proceed to make MORE fun of the Harry Potter series by calling me Harry, Edward Cullen Digory (Even if they were played by the same actor – bad choice, America…), France Fleur, and Russia Victor Krum. It does not amuse any of us, and Estonia gets confused because he thinks you're referring to him.

8. Speaking of which, trying to get him and Belarus hooked up for the simple reason of seeing real life "Edward and Bella" is cruel to them. More to poor Estonia, though. Do you ever wonder what Belarus does to people?

9. Apparently not, as you tried asking her.

10. Telling Lithuania he's Russia's ex and trying to claim him for America is bad.

11. Especially with Russia nearby.

12. I tried saying something similar to Italy about Germany, and look at them now! (Although that wasn't the whole reason why it was bad…)

13. You are NOT Frodo, and Canada is NOT your Sam.

14. Nor am I, Lithuania, Japan, or anyone else you may be thinking of.

15. Do not attempt to turn "Absolutely Invincible British Gentleman" into "Absolutely Invincible American Hero." It's insulting to me, and you can't sing, anyway.

16. China is not a girl, despite the voice and the ponytail. Where'd you get that idea?

17. …From Japan? …I stand corrected.

18. Hamburgers came from Germany. Pizza came from Italy. Hot Dogs are from Germany. You don't actually own any of your favorite foods.

19. Sorry to any country offended about what America did to their foods, but I am not responsible.

20. NEVER, EVER CALL GERMANIA LEGOLAS. EVER AGAIN. IT IS NOT TRUE.

21. Just because you're Lord of the Rings hyper does not mean you should teach Denmark all of Gimli's lines and have him say some to Norway.

22. Especially the "Swimming Dwarves" line. Norway still has veerrrrryyyyy bad mental images after that.

23. Do not anger Norway by quoting the line in Harry Potter that "All you need to speak troll is point and grunt." He PRIDES himself on the knowledge of how to speak with trolls, and he and I BOTH know it isn't true.

24. Sticking a sticker on China that says "Made in China" makes no sense.

25. Referring to your states as "States of Insanity" really annoys them. Especially when none of them are insane.

26. FMB is not txt tlk. It is my flying green rabbit. Telling Poland it is text talk is bad.

27. As is telling him about "German Sparkle Parties". (Who wrote that song, anyway?)

28. As is telling him about Switzerland's pink PJ's.

29. Whatever you just did, is probably illegal in every country here. So don't do it.

30. You cannot see Russia out Alaska's window. You've failed every single time, you should know better.

31. Stop making Soviet Union jokes. Russia hates them, and half of them make no sense, anyway.

32. Just because there is an Italy, Texas, does not mean Italy lives in Texas.

33. Learn your geography, already.

34. You do not sneak up on Latvia and say "BOO!" It's bad for his health.

35. Bring up Justin Beiber, Canada will kill you until you die. (He's mad enough about losing to you in hockey.)

36. Bring up Edward Cullen, Estonia will kill you. He's had enough of Edward/Eduard jokes for a lifetime.

37. Imitating me behind my back is no longer funny. And I'm not trying to say I ever found it funny.

38. Locking me in with France as revenge is a bad idea. A very, very bad idea…

39. If you bring up American prosperity, I shall probably laugh in your face.

40. Telling Italy there's pasta in a certain closet where you've tied up Germany and set up Hungary's cameras will lead me to question your sanity.

41. Not that you ever had any to begin with.

42. Mention Yalta to the Baltics, they will cry. And mentally break down. And Russia will kill you for upsetting "His Toris."

43. Russia is not Soviet anymore. Calling him one will lead to very bad things.

44. And Lithuania will not stop him again.

45. No matter what Russia thinks, it is not normal to dress someone you're very fond of in a ballet outfit. So stop trying to do it to me.

46. Especially if you plan to take pictures.

47. That incident made me hate you so much.

48. Don't put the idea in Sealand's head to become a nation by conquering SeaWorld. You know how badly it went the last time.

49. Don't sing your anthem in the middle of a meeting. Sure, it's patriotic, but you CAN'T SING.

50. Defy one of these rules and I'll force feed you my cooking.

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><p>America glanced in horror over all of these rules, while England laughed evilly. "I'm A hero, though! Don't worry, I will find a way to annoy you!" he shouted. England groaned.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: HA! I bet you thought I wouldn't continue, huh? Well, after this, I think I'm going to do one more and end it. I can't keep thinking up so many wonderful ideas. XD**

**Some Star Wars refs in here, as the first chapter lacked them and America likes Star Wars. Also some more USUK hints. XD**

**Enjoy~!**

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><p>51. You are not Han Solo, I am not Leah.<p>

52. You are not Anakin, I am not Obi-Wan. Or even worse, Padme.

53. You are not R2-D2, I am not C-3P0.

54. Just stop making Star Wars references, okay?

55. Putting a "Made in America" sticker on Sealand makes no sense, as he is English.

56. You were trying to make a very BADDDD reference there, weren't you?

57. The same goes for putting one on Latvia, no matter how much you think he looks like a cross between you and Russia.

58. Lithuania's the only one for Russia anyway.

59. It's football, not soccer.

60. It's "A-sissy's-version-of-rugby-that-gets-all-the-men-into-riots", not football.

61. Confuse the two again, and I shall take the pleasure of killing you.

62. France is not the person to ask about advice on staying trim.

63. In fact, France is not the person to ask advice for anything!

64. I have Norway to witness this, for the last time, my "imaginary" friends are REAL!

65. You and I both know Nantucket is simply Nantucket. Don't make me pull it.

66. You cannot win a drinking competition between either Denmark or Prussia. Trying will get you intoxicated and think that my bed is yours.

67. I do not eat McDonalds. You know that already.

68. Waving around a lightsaber does not make you a Jedi any more than waving around a sword, ring, or wand makes you Aragorn, Frodo, or Harry Potter (in that order)

69. If you do not believe in magical creatures, why continue asking me if there are any dragons in America?

70. Canada is not a punching bag. Nor a Baltic. Do not treat him like one, even if it is accidental.

71. I thought all people knew this, DON'T SPEAK WITH FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH!

72. The ice cream I bought you is not going anywhere soon. You don't have to run at me and break every bone in your body to claim it.

73. Canada is not a suitable decoy when trying to escape the wrath of some other country. Most either can't see him, or will attempt to murder him, which is very bad.

74. My bed is not a suitable place to hide from storms.

75. Although it is better than France's.

76. Don't race around the conference room tugging on the curls of Italy, Romano, Canada, Norway, South Korea, Lithuania's ponytail, and my eyebrows. It will result in the swift and extremely painful vengeance of Germany, Spain, Denmark, Russia, and myself.

77. Um, I forgot a word there. Again.

78. Don't ask Estonia to hack Russia's computer for you. It's rude, and Estonia would be the one to suffer the consequences.

79. Yelling, "THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!" whenever I walk in the room is unnecessary.

80. Everybody does not love you. Don't sing that song at the top of your lungs.

81. Don't take France to the World Showcase at EPCOT, even if he claims he wants to see what you did for his country. He really just wants to see the belly dancer in Morocco.

82. And then buy me the clothes from there that resemble the belly dancers.

83. There's a reason the English are modest; it's because we don't LIKE clothes like that.

84. Besides, I'm a boy, and those are clearly women's clothes.

85. Making a movie with Hungary is BAD, even if you like filming.

86. And no, I would not like to star in one, either.

87. If you ask Japan to make you a USUK manga, fine. Just don't send me a copy and expect me to like it.

88. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you on the internet or over the phone, where anyone can listen in.

89. Don't start random spam battles with Estonia on his blog. He will delete them and report you.

90. After all, one can only take you "MOOOOOOOOO" –ing at them so many times.

91. Latvia is not to be stuffed in a box and given to Sealand as a present for his birthday. It will still not make him a country.

92. And it brings emotional strain on Latvia, which isn't good.

93. "So I heard you like mudkips" is not a good response to a question.

94. You also cannot "fire your lazar."

95. In fact, if you had a lazar, I'd be seriously concerned.

96. It is not appropriate to sing the "Nom nom nom" song just before/while you are eating.

97. See rule 71 for why you can't sing while eating.

98. I am tired, I am bored, I am mad, I am humiliated that you've done all these things. Now is not a good time to ask me for a candy bar.

99. Because I shall break from stress and kill you.

100. In other words, please do not make me write any more of these rules…

~Arthur Kirkland, personification of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, a.k.a. England


End file.
